December 2011
1 post
You Have to Work For It
“You have to work for it. no one’s just going to hand you a pair of five hundred dollar shoes and say congratulations. If they do, well then you didn’t deserve them.”
November 2011
2 posts
Songs You Love to Hate: Katy Perry's California...
There’s much to be said about a young woman whose artistic existence is based on pop songs with sugary shake-it-til-you-break-it beats that strive to have a much deeper message such as kissing girls and enjoying it or dreaming like teenagers whatever that means. Katy Perry has not only mastered the art of the top 40 pop song, she owns the persona of a pop artist. Ms. Perry has branded...
Songs You Love to Hate and Hate to Love (but...
I have, in the past few years developed a disgust for radio. More specifically, top 40 radio. Anything that is not satellite, or public radio (NPR, can I get an amen?), bastardizes the music industry and I hate it. I hate it more than I hate knock-off bags. More than I hate a messy kitchen countertop. Even more than I hate the sound of any of the Kardashians’ voices. Popular radio is a black eye...
October 2011
1 post
July 2011
2 posts
The Single Girl's Guide to Being Sanely Single
First things first: I want you to try saying the title of this entry five times fast.
Newsflash: it’s ok to be single. IT’S. O. KAAAAAY. The “issue” of being wedding band-less AND not dating without any prospects should be given some credit because the issue is, there is no issue. As much as it feels like sometimes, being single isn’t a social death sentence. Or a personal one.
I feel...
The Nanny Diaries: What Really Happened.
Well here I am folks. It’s been, months. And I’m sorry (not really!). I have no excuse. Well I do, but it’s a terrible one. I’m incredibly lazy. There, I said it! And since no one’s paying me to write about how much people and things annoy the shit out of me, the motivation train hits the skids quite often.
So with no logical segue, I give you, the Nanny Diaries:...
February 2011
8 posts
Gchat Gems #45: Chicken should be spelled...
I’ve never been to Chik-fil-A and I don’t even know if I just spelled it right. I don’t care.
“CHICK FIL A TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! …:D ….Chik? ….dunno …all kinds of misspellings in that name…”
Gchat Gems #111: Consumer STD's
There are standards to jewelry. Vintage: highest standard. Luxury (Van Cleef&Arpels, Harry Winston, Cartier, Tiffany-in that order): next highest standard. Everything else (Zales, Kay, Ben Bridge, Jared’s, Ricky’s Diamond Emporium, etc): unacceptable.
“Zales and the herps go hand in hand more than you would think…much like a ho, if you get around enough, you’ll...
Gchat Gems #15: Harem Scarem
Facts are facts: Harem pants are NEVER ok. “who is really going to buy and wear silk harem pants?! in 2011?!Joan Crawford died awhile ago..the Olsens are probably already over it.”
Gchat Gems #47
So I’m starting a new series called Gchat Gems which is based on the I-almost-fell-out-of-my-chair-laughing conversations that I have pretty frequently with my friend dkim. Yes, all lower case. dkim is a treasure cave full of verbal quips, it’s that simple. She was probably a columnist in another life and would definitely make for one of the better commentators on Best Week Ever (is...
January 2011
4 posts
Truth #6
There are so many places I want to see in the world, but since traveling alone is pretty socially unacceptable and kind of unsafe, I’ll likely never see these places because I have a short list of people I travel with and by short I mean two.
I have control issues when it comes to travel. I’d say the most common fear of flying has to do with the plane plunging into the ocean or...
Truth #212
There are many facets to my anti-socialness (I’m just making up words now). It can be interpreted as being rude, but really I’m doing others a favor and sparing them from intentional rudeness. One of those facets is I don’t like eating with more than 3 people at a time. Which means, I don’t like eating in the break room at work. I don’t like hosting birthday dinners...
Truth #88
I hate small talk. So if I don’t feel like talking to someone, I pretend to talk on my phone. If I need to be really convincing, I call my cell phone (from my cell phone) and leave myself voicemails.
Lifeslap Style
My name is lifeslap and I’m a former label whore.
It’s an embarrassing chapter of my life I call 9th grade-post college where I’m so sad to say my style was limited to being seen in boldly branded pieces that often did not look good on me. I paid way too much for things that didn’t last, physically and fashionably, and never had an individual style. I bought things just to...
July 2010
4 posts
The Suitcase
Alright friends, settle in, this is a long one. Get a snack and some caffeine and prepare to take several breaks. (I’ve designated bathroom breaks throughout the post in case you get so absorbed with the minutiae of my life that you forget to go)
It’s no secret that I don’t like animals. Big and small, eight-legged or four, we’re never going to come to an understanding....
You talk, I (sometimes) listen
Let me level with you. Half the time when people are talking to me I probably don’t hear you. I have what my mom calls “selective hearing” which she made seem like a bad thing when I didn’t hear her demand I do the dishes before she got home from work or clean my room aka shove Barbie and her entire family under my bed. There’s a difference between hearing someone and...
lifeslap: jackpot jackie edition
Why do I love my co-worker Jackie? Let me count the ways. Everyone has that one person they work with who is the “I’d probably be friends with you if I met you outside of work” person. I’d probably be friends with Jackie outside of work, but I’d also be ok with her following me around and narrating my life story and bossing people around because Jackie’s is...
June 2010
1 post
May 2010
1 post
sanford and slob
Fact: I do not live in the nicest neighborhood. We are one meth house explosion away from being declared a condemned area and being shut down by the county. In the past six months, the same house has had a 3-alarm fire situation twice and it’s not being lived in. You tell me what’s going on in there.
My desire to move is outweighed by my desire to live a comfortable life on a...
March 2010
2 posts
swing and a miss
My younger cousin, after seven years and two children, married his long time girlfriend in a beautiful ceremony rich with Hawaiian tradition and slim with the prospect of me meeting a man who I’d like to reintroduce to my mother when he wasn’t belligerently drunk and cutting up a rug to Imma Be. I spent the better part of my weekend shopping for a dress and came up empty handed and...
November 2009
1 post
An open letter to loan czars.
Actually this is a letter I sent to ECSI. They’re probably not going to call me back per my request, but they’re going to keep getting these nasty letters until they do. Sallie Mae, look out. You’re next.
Hi, Let me preface this by saying, do not take this personally.
My payment keeps going up every month and the bottom of my statement says 15 days overdue. Not sure what that...
October 2009
7 posts
Truth #410
I get mad at my I-pod when I set it on shuffle and it plays shitty music. But then I remember I’m the one who downloaded that music. Why did I download Jesse McCartney? More importantly, why did I listen to the song all the way through? Even more importantly why am I singing along? I hate when my I-pod makes me embarrassed of myself.
Parking wars
Today I had to go to the state university for an event I was covering for work. After driving around to three different parking lots that were all reserved for students with permits, I went to the “visitors” parking area where I was told I’d have to pay a dollar for each hour I was parked there or buy a parking permit.
“Jesus Christ you are joking me,” I barked at...
The Desperate Housewife
If you can’t tell already, I am a huge fan of alcohol. I don’t understand people who don’t drink-it just makes no sense to me. I can understand not wanting to get drunk. Some people just can’t appreciate what it’s like to lose control and have the sudden urge to sing Whitney Houston songs at a karaoke bar. Even I don’t do that. But people of legal drinking age...
“You left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. Does this serve as...”
“We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don’t...”
misdiagnosis
I don’t like opening up my tumblr and seeing a “0” under my tumblarity. It screams “Melia is lazy” and since I’m opposed to reblogging because I just think it’s bizarre my tumblarity stays at zero. I’m having a hard time here though.I don’t like being labeled zero.
I think I’ve been mistaking laziness for writer’s block. I used to...
September 2009
11 posts
Truth # 10
One of my favorite things about winter besides layers, holiday food, Christmas music and Christmas in general is that I can wear a sweatshirt over anything and it cancels out my need to wear a bra. There. I said it. I’m no feminist, but I hate bras. Not in the bra-burning, don’t shave your armpits kind of way because that’s just nasty. But because, as Lily Aldrin so perfectly put...
Truth # 48
At least once a month, I am so disoriented in the morning that I forget to put on deodorant. I did this last week and didn’t realize until I was running errands for work and had to stop at CVS so I didn’t present myself in public as a gross misrepresentation of my organization. There’s nothing worse than realizing you have forgotten to put on deodorant. Actually there is. Trying...
Truth # 111
During the two years I worked at my last job, I maybe brushed my hair one out of five work days. I would get up in enough time to make coffee, brush my teeth, and sniff my uniform. Even if it smelled, I still wore it. Four days out of five, my hair looked like a pack of feral cats had slept in it and I smelled like I’d been diving in linen baskets full of unwashed clothes.
Truth # 129
I like the way the library smells. Like the books are so old they might be moldy. To me the smell is intoxicating. Probably similar to the way an alcoholic swoons at the smell of Johnnie Walker.
Truth #72
I locked my mom out of the house once. On purpose. She decided to do some spring cleaning early one Saturday morning that couldn’t be done without banging against the walls of the hallway next to my room. When I heard her go into the garage- she slammed the door which is on the other side of a very thin wall next to the head of my bed where I try to sleep for a solid five hours- I jumped out...
Perfect panna cotta →
Vanilla panna cotta with coconut macaroons. To me panna cotta is the perfect dessert. It’s elegant and easy to make. And you can dress it up with just about anything.
Monkey Sneeze →
Yep. I’ve become one of those dummies who posts silly videos that no one else thinks are funny, but this is worth the (approximate) 55 second wait.
Truth #394
I think I’m going to start a segment called truth. I was going to have a segment called not truth/lie, but then that would get confusing and what I would be trying to reveal/not reveal would never come out because I’d be confused about what I’m writing. Kind of like I am now. Are you confused? I just confused myself. It takes a pretty smart person to do confuse oneself. I’m...
If you would’ve met me four years ago, you would’ve called me a name-dropping fashion whore who really knew nothing about fashion. I spoke the language of “name brand” when it came to clothes and thought it was acceptable to appear anywhere in Juicy track pants just because they were Juicy.
Today, if you were to see me on the street, you’d probably question whether...
Five stages of grief (the booze edition)
I was reading Chelsea Handler’s first book today (you may think that’s all I read because I’ve referenced her frequently, but I read “smart” books too. sometimes.) and she mentioned how she always felt weirded out when someone told her that they don’t drink. I feel the same. Telling me you don’t drink is like telling the Pope that you’ve never picked...
August 2009
13 posts
Shazzam.
Of all my offensive behaviors, which include scowling at children, using the words homo and retard and regifting christmas gifts, my driving etiquette has to top the list. I use the term etiquette loosely. My lack thereof would be a better way to describe my driving habits. I wasn’t such a mean driver. Impatient? Yes. Passive aggressive? Sure. But maniac would’ve never described me...
Have no fear, PMS is here
I’ve recently (today) discovered a major source of my writer’s block: PMS. While this may be too much information for weak individuals, I cannot sugarcoat it. Plain and simple, right now I am the meanest bitch you’ll ever meet and it affects my writing. I can’t focus because everything and everyone is annoying.
Sometimes I see commercials for this one birth control pill...
Tiramisu in three bites. →
Where's the entrance to this box?
I’m looking at my room right now and I’m borderline disgusted with myself. My room hasn’t been this messy since I got home from college and I’m going to level with you and say there are unpacked boxes from college that I could throw away and never know what I missed. My room is what I imagine the inside of a homeless woman’s cardboard box to look like.
There is a...
Put your freakum dress on? I'd rather you put your...
Why is it that Beyonce is never wearing pants? It’s a question I’ve been asking myself since I’ve seen a clip of the “Single Ladies” video, a video I refuse to watch all the way through because trying to figure out if the backup dancers used to be men gives me a headache. After seeing the video, it became apparent to me that B is not a fan of pants. Don’t get me...