Why is it that Beyonce is never wearing pants? It’s a question I’ve been asking myself since I’ve seen a clip of the “Single Ladies” video, a video I refuse to watch all the way through because trying to figure out if the backup dancers used to be men gives me a headache. After seeing the video, it became apparent to me that B is not a fan of pants. Don’t get me wrong, I’d kill for half her ass and for her super fit but still feminine legs, but what is wrong with throwing on a skirt or jeans or a dress? She looks great in pretty much everything she wears, minus the poor choices she seems to make on awards nights.

What is it that she hates about covering up about her bottom half so much? I’m going to put this out there: my favorite thing to do is walk around in my house in my underpants with all the blinds open. Don’t worry perverts, we have special screens on my windows so you can’t see in the house. The sun is shining in and you feel so free and it almost feels dangerous walking around with the blinds open. I get it B, not wearing pants is spectacular! Not wearing pants in public probably makes you feel real dangerous!

However, I would not just wake up one morning and say hey, let’s try this at the grocery store. I’m just gonna throw some tights on under these bedazzled underpants, put on my best high heels and go buy myself some mangoes and a can of Beefaroni. B doesn’t do her own shopping so this doesn’t apply to her, but she goes on the Today Show, Conan and Live with Regis and Kelly (which is the equivalent of me going to the market, Conan being the mangoes and R&K being the beefaroni) and doesn’t just sing but shakes her pantsless rump all over the stage. I get it, you got it so want to show it off. If I had that shape, I’d be at one of the club pools every weekend. However, there is only so many times you can appear without pants before people begin to wonder if you were perhaps a person who grew up in a naked house.

So here is my open letter to Beyonce.

Dear Beyonce/Mrs. HOVA,

I enjoy your music after a few drinks and have been known to get down and wild when “Crazy in Love” is played at whatever club I’m abusing my liver at. I know all the words and cannot do the dance because my butt just doesn’t move like that. You seem like a driven individual who is open to learning on how to improve herself so she can be one step ahead of everyone. You’re a diva with a cause, admit it. It’s ok, just say it out loud honey. I’m Melia and I drink too much. There I said it. I’m Beyonce and I’m a goddam diva with a great ass.

I just want to make a suggestion as to how you can improve your image. I know you’re a big clothes whore (own it) so why you continue to refuse to wear pants is befuddling to me. There are so many options out there and you choose none and I’m no fashion police but I’m pretty sure they would lock up a clotheswhore who didn’t wear pants. Do you really want to add another crime against fashion on your record? Didn’t think so.

All I’m saying is cover it up once in a while. Give us something to look forward to when you rip off part of your ensemble to reveal House of Derreon designed hot pants. There’s no magic or mystery to it because you’ve been going on without pants for so long.  People will just yawn and say “Oh there she goes dancing in her fancy skivvies again.” And anyway, your no pants policy has been picked up by Katy Perry so there’s kind of nothing original about it. So start a new trend B: the pants ON dance off. Your welcome.

xoxo

Melia

P.s. I watched the video of when you fell face first down the stairs singing “Ring the Alarm” like 76 times. I think if you had opted for jeans and a fancy top and not a trench coat and underwear your descent from the stairs would’ve been more successful.