So I’m starting a new series called Gchat Gems which is based on the I-almost-fell-out-of-my-chair-laughing conversations that I have pretty frequently with my friend dkim. Yes, all lower case. dkim is a treasure cave full of verbal quips, it’s that simple. She was probably a columnist in another life and would definitely make for one of the better commentators on Best Week Ever (is that even still on?) or could have her own spot on The Soup. She’s versed in all things music and fashion and her celebrity knowledge is in the category of “amazeballs”.
To preface today’s gem, my status on Gchat lamented the fact that Black Keys’ drummer Patrick Carney was engaged. I was surprised to learn that she was surprised about this celebrity news (it’s usually the other way around, her schooling me), so I sent her the link, as that’s protocol for any life-changing celebrity* news and after a moment of reflection and letting the news of one more departed bachelor sink in she responds “Emily Ward sounds like a ho’s name.” The names Emily and Ward separately and together, a ho’s name do not make. But. She stomped on the hearts of so many girls who enjoy swooning over Patrick with the thought that this man and his ironic glasses, awkward stage presence, and intense drum smashing is single and is making eye contact with you (keep telling yourself it’s intentional) because he wants you to mother his drum playing children.
*Mr. Carney would probably be horrified to know that I’m even calling him a celebrity, but when you end up in the “health and lifestyles” section of UsWeekly, you don’t get to choose.