First things first: I want you to try saying the title of this entry five times fast.

Newsflash: it’s ok to be single. IT’S. O. KAAAAAY. The “issue” of being wedding band-less AND not dating without any prospects should be given some credit because the issue is, there is no issue. As much as it feels like sometimes, being single isn’t a social death sentence. Or a personal one.

I feel like there are two distinctive perspectives when it comes to the outlook and perception of being a single lady of a certain age. Exhibit A: The “Yay! Good for you sistah! Get your single on girlfriend!” single girl. These women don’t wear the “single and ready to mingle shirts” for irony’s sake. They wear it because they have a faux sense of empowerment by their singleness and ready to mingleness. What’s hiding behind that phony self-cheerleading is a lot of unhappiness. And insecurity. And discomfort with the forced mingling. And a daily truckload of uppers.

Exhibit B: “I’m NEVER going to get married. I’m going to die single!” Marriage and the fear of dying alone in a single bedroom apartment in one of the less reputable senior communities consume these women. If you’re feeling stressed about being single, you probably want to be in a relationship for the wrong reasons. 

I’m going to stop right there because I don’t want this to turn into one of those tacky “Shine! on Yahoo!” articles where the author solicits unwarranted and often very offensive relationship advice. I’m in no position to give relationship advice. Commitment isn’t something I’m familiar with. I can barely commit to this blog. (I could barely commit to this post.)  Any advice I do give is often very practical and won’t be the cotton candy boost you think you need to feel better.

Why am I giving you single girls, a series of single girl suggestions (not advice!)? Because there are too many of us out there obsessing over not being a “we” and not enjoying being a “me” and making ourselves feel bad about it. There is a happy middle to being delusionally single and miserably single. I promise. Stop putting yourself on one end of the spectrum and put your focus somewhere productive: yourself.

This won’t be a series of useless advice. These are suggestions. I’m not here to make you feel good. Being single doesn’t always feel great. It isn’t always fun, sexy times shoe-shopping with Carrie and the girls. Sometimes it’s just plain shitty for no reason and every reason. And for those of us who are from time to time stubbornly independent to the point of stupidity because we don’t know any better, admitting that being single isn’t always great almost seems like a betrayal to yourself.

Whoa things just got too deep. Did you feel like you have accidentally stumbled upon someone’s Lisa Frank journal? Sorry, I like to keep these posts vapid and mean-moving on!

Here begins my series of non-judgmental single girl suggestions. Being single isn’t always fun and it isn’t always easy. But like life, it is what you make of it. And if you’re trying so hard to cook up romantical times, you’re going to miss out on what can be some valuable time to preserve yourself and your sanity, things that are willingly sacrificed when the right opportunity comes along. (Whoa I’m sorry, that Lisa Frank journal just fell open again!)

This is about getting out of your own head and enjoying a rare opportunity to be selfish without much judgment. Because one day you’re going to wake up and kick yourself for not taking advantage of those prime selfish years (do not panic-yes, I said YEARS!). And then you’re going to realize that it’s not you kicking yourself, it’s your kid.

Here are some things that this series will not include (for the most part): unwarranted man-bashing, unwarranted couples bashing, hand-holding and telling you that everything is going to be ok. Sometimes things are not ok. And when they aren’t, that is when you have full license to invest in a fifth of your liquor of choice and not put on pants.

Here are some things that this series will include: some healthy perspective on real life.

Single Girl Suggestion #1: Solo Movie Dates

“You went to the movies by yourself? On date night?!” ~Charlotte York.   

Wake up June Cleaver and unravel those apron strings from around your neck.  It is 2011 and girls have been going on solo dates since I don’t know when, but it’s been happening. And the ladies are loving it almost as much as they love licking the inside of a bag of finished kettle corn when no one’s looking. The solo date night: movie edition is the easiest of all dates in the solo date genre because going to the movies isn’t an organically social activity to begin with. The point of going to the movies is to sit, watch and listen while Tom Hanks runs across continental United States twelve times.  Going with a friend or a group is either going to work for you or against you and after you start taking yourself on solo dates to the movies you’ll find that it’s the latter. There are so many components to the actual group activity that is encompassed in seeing movies with 1+ people (dates/friends showing up offensively late, someone chewing on ice with the force of a gravel mixer during a monologue, leaving during the credits which by the way is just fucking rude) that the actual watching of the movie sometimes gets ruined.

Going to the movies by yourself isn’t just fun, but it’s kind of liberating! Not bra-burning liberating. More like drinking before 3PM liberating. Timing is important though because Charlotte was right in that it’s kind of a weirdo move to go see a movie alone on date night (Friday and Saturday, but sometimes Thursday in cities like LA and New York where the weekend starts on Wednesday). Unless you like being on 85 other couples’ dates (some of them very awkward first ones!), don’t pick a movie that just opened and see it on date night by yourself.  Unless you plan on bringing a flask and buying popcorn for the sole purpose of throwing it at people (in that case, call me), don’t choose an opening weekend movie to see on solo date night.

The best solo movie dates are reserved for weeknights. To see movies that were released two months ago. It’s a nice way to wind down a workday and if there’s a bar near the movie theater, well then bonus! Class up your evening with a happy hour priced glass of wine before popping over to see the next big Spielberg flick. If there’s a bar in the movie theater, you shouldn’t be going to any other movie theaters.

Sunday afternoons are another great time for solo movie dates. Again, follow the opening weekend rule and see something that was released at least three weeks ago. If it was a real flop, you’ll be lucky to have the theater to yourself. Sunday afternoons are great because it’s generally a lazy day, so says the Bible-not exactly in those words, but I’m sure some interpretation translates it that way. And if people aren’t at church they’re finishing up brunch or recovering from a hangover. In my experience, not a lot of people are going to the movies on Sunday afternoons, so abide by the singleton code and use it to your advantage.

I started taking myself on solo movie dates in college because I was tired of waiting for the schedules of my friends to line up, so we could see something together and because there were a lot of movies I wanted to see that no one else wanted to see. Why should I have to wait? It also went the other way: I almost never, ever want to see a romantic comedy. If I never saw another RomCom again, it would be too soon as this often poorly written and poorly acted genre has ruined many a movie going experience for me. 

The first movie I saw alone was Little Miss Sunshine-I laughed, I cried, I wanted to adopt Abigail Breslin and then I wanted Steve Carrell to adopt us both. I’m not going to lie and say I wasn’t borderline paranoid about ordering one ticket, walking into the theater alone and sitting alone. Everywhere I looked at the theater, everyone was coupled up or in a group. When it occurred to me that I didn’t have to check with anyone on where they preferred to sit (because in all honesty, if you have 20/20 vision, where you want to sit is irrelevant) OR offer any of my snacks, I got really excited. Almost, too excited. I sprinted up the theater stairs, past a couple who was playing the “no you hang up!” game but instead determining where they wanted to sit, and got the middle seat in the middle row of the theater. BINGO. I determined I was probably never going to ask anyone to join me to see a movie ever again.

In 2008, I took myself on a date to see the sexiest movie of the year, There Will Be Blood (Daniel Day-Lewis, call me!) and took a bucket of chicken wings with me to the theater in my purse. I ate the whole thing. {This is where the audience applauses} Right out of the bucket. I dipped those euphoria-inducing meat lollipops in ranch, wiped my hands on my Free People sweatshirt and let the greasy crumbs sit on my face until the house lights came back on. You’re probably thinking “Gross! What is WRONG with this girl? Someone call Maury!” But if you saw the movie you’re probably as relieved as I was that I didn’t make a milkshake my choice of dessert. If you’ve ever eaten a bucket of anything in the dark of a movie theater you would agree with me that it’s very liberating, yes? If you’ve done this before, we should talk because I’d love to discuss what other meals you’ve snuck into the movie theater before, how it worked out for you and what concealing strategies you use.

I think my favorite element of seeing movies alone is not having to share my food. There’s no skirting around the fact that I’m stingy when it comes to food. And I don’t trust that you washed your hands well enough to be molesting my chicken wings and ranch. Sometimes you just want to make a meal out of something that’s so outrageous that you would never tell anyone. Like a bucket of chicken wings for example. At the movie theater on your solo date, no one has to know that you just ate a week’s worth of calories with your hands and you liked it. And you would do it again.

If you’re at the movie alone, no one can judge your food choices. Want to sneak in a bottle of wine AND half a rack of ribs? Who’s going to stop you? Besides the attendant tearing tickets who questions the delightfully smoky, saucy smells coming from your suitcase purse. Don’t worry they can be paid off with an Applebee’s coupon or swig out of your wine bottle. Who are you kidding, you’re not sharing your wine, give them the coupon. This is an “If a tree falls in the forest….” situation. If no one saw it, it didn’t happen, so scoot on into the theater with your Famous Daves+liquor store combo dinner, stretch out across four seats and do not curse the fact that you’re alone. Relish it. You don’t have to share your wine and you get to see a movie just the way it’s meant to be seen.

Still feeling stressed about being seen in public going to the movies alone even though I just made a very convincing argument and intensified my carpal tunnel syndrome while doing so? First, you’re welcome. Second, like you would with a two-people date: make wise decisions.

1.   Go to a theater you’ve been to before, dum dum. Just like a first date-stay in your comfort zone. 

2. Worried about what the tween with Hannah Montana brand extensions selling tickets is going to think about you saying “One for Hilarious RomCom not starring Katherine Heigl”? Then Fandango it and print your ticket at a human free kiosk at the theater. (Note: You should never see a Katherine Heigl movie period, but if you just can’t resist her pseudo-charm then trick someone else into going with you and blame them for the 90 minutes of your life that you lost. Because if you go by yourself, you have no one to blame but you!)

3. If someone sits near you in the theater, it’s ok to move. If you’re already feeling uncomfortable, don’t let the presence of aloof complete strangers make you feel even more uncomfortable.

4. Take advantage and see a movie everyone else has already seen or see something you couldn’t get anyone to see with you. It’s much easier to sit through the Academy Awards if you go and see all those films that no one is interested in until someone is crying on a stage about it 6 months later. And when everyone’s rushing out to see it right after, you can put on your “been there, done that” pants and stay your ass at home and catch 8 hours of a Law&Order: SVU marathon (a singleton staple). 

Ultimately, enjoying a solo movie date comes down to this: get out of your own head. No one is looking at you, you self-centered prude. If they are looking, why do you care? Ask yourself that and then this: why should you wait to do anything just because you’re afraid that you’re going to have to do it by yourself? The only person who is concerned with you being at a movie by yourself is you. So burn your metaphorical bra, get your ticket to the next 20 million dollar blockbuster four weeks after it’s released and DON’T feel weird about it.